By Carl Sampson
The Summer Olympic games kick off later this month in London. From water polo to team handball and women’s boxing, the most beloved sports that you’ve never heard of will be displayed in all of their glory.
I have an idea. I think Oregon should have its own Olympic games, with events that are unique to our great state.
For example, running has always been popular in Oregon but much less so in most other places.
The Oregon Olympics would have an Oregonian-only track meet competed only in the rain. If the sun comes out, the meet would be stopped for about five minutes, when the rain starts again.
Here are some ideas for other Oregon Olympic events.
• Recycling race. This event would see who could stuff the most bottles and cans into one of those recycling machines before it breaks down. I’ve seen people pull up to the grocery store driving a pickup truck piled high with bottles and cans — and that was only a week’s worth. By the time they were done every machine was broken, jammed or otherwise inoperable.
• Recharging cyclathon. Bicycling is a popular pastime in some parts of the state. So is driving little electric cars. I propose we combine the two interests in a competition to see which bicyclist can fully recharge an electric car using a stationary bike hooked up to a generator. The first one to finish in less than a month wins.
• Early morning Harley rides. In this sport, every Harley owner in the state — all 400 million of them — would drive past my house at 7 in the morning on a Saturday. I’m not sure what this would prove, other than Harleys are as loud and obnoxious on Saturday mornings as they are every other morning. Ear protectors would be provided.
• Whale detonations. In 1970, Oregon gained its place in history when a state highway engineer applied a half-ton of dynamite to a dead sperm whale that was beached near Florence. Thus a new Olympic sport was born: Whale bombing. We propose providing teams of Oregonians with a dead whale and a supply of dynamite and watching what happens. Helmets would be optional.
• Medical marijuana joint rolling. Oregon’s growing population of medical marijuana users would compete to determine which can roll the biggest, longest or most creative joint. I realize this is a medical prescription-only deal but I suspect other providers and users might be able to pick up some tips. According to the Oregon Health Authority, which tracks such things, there are nearly 56,000 medical pot users in Oregon. The counties with the most users are — you guessed it — Multnomah, Jackson and Lane counties. They will no doubt have the best Olympic rolling teams.
• Roller derby. When I was a kid roller derby was something to watch on Saturday afternoon television if the baseball game of the week was rained out. In Oregon, it’s hip.
Go figure.
Carl Sampson is a freelance writer and editor. His books, “A Bushel and a Peck” and “Arctic Sunrise,” are available on Amazon.com.
