Parenting: It goes beyond ‘instinct’

By Helen Flakser

Good parents take parenting classes. The question of  “What kind of parents go to parenting classes?” came up toward the end of Make Parenting a Pleasure, a 12-week program for parents of children ages three through six.

Parents in the class consistently reported that their friends and family often question why they want parenting education.

There is a perception that “bad” parents go to classes because they are mandated to do so while “good” parents don’t need classes because being a parent is “ instinctive.”

Having facilitated Making Parenting a Pleasure for Silverton Together for the last seven years, I agree that instinct plays a role in bonding with your baby.

Children are dependent on their parents for 18 plus years, and they rely on adults to teach them what they need to know, so they can grow into secure and confident human beings. But more than instinct, most people learn how to parent based on the way their parents raised them.

In times past, when we tended to live in extended families, we had more advice and help raising our kids. In the 21st century, however, it is more likely we don’t have that kind of support. Parent education classes and support groups help to fill the gap.

In addition, traditional parenting techniques, which tended to focus on punishments including physical harm, are no longer the most effective tools.  Discipline, (the root of which is disciple), is now viewed as basically teaching limits with respect for the child’s dignity.  Primarily we teach our children by our words and our example.

By far the most positive feedback we receive from parents is how much they enjoy talking to other parents about their challenges. The understanding that they are all facing similar problems, which are usually normal child developmental issues, is very powerful.  When a group has bonded and learned to trust that they are in a safe and respectful environment I can sit back and admire the problem solving and support that classmates give to one another.

The key to success is having basic child development information and understanding that we – the parents – are responsible for teaching the skills our children need.  Most kids will do well if they can and this applies to parents also.

Matt Zacher and his wife Jen were students in the recent winter MPAP class.  Their daughter Rachel is about to turn six. Matt has been a volunteer firefighter in Molalla for the last seven years.  One afternoon he was returning from a call with another firefighter and stated that he needed to get home in time to get to his parenting class. His co-worker was surprised.

Matt shared with the class his own response.  He asked his buddy how many  hours, weeks and months of training it had taken to learn to be a good firefighter. Then he asked him if he could think of any job more important than parenting.  Why not learn as much as possible, so that you can become the best mom or dad possible? Matt added that “Dad’s Boot Camp” a workshop for new dads and taught by previous participants, had been an awesome experience.

What thrills me the most about teaching parenting classes is seeing the class participants share their email and Facebook addresses with each other.

Being a good parent is like anything else – it takes work, support and most of all, being open to learning all you can.