By Carl Sampson
It’s time once again for that unavoidable minefield known as Valentine’s Day. If you have a significant other, you know what I mean.
It’s one of those occasions each year when you will be either a champ or chump. It all depends on how you handle it.
The right card, the right gift, the right words are just the beginning to surviving this most important holiday.
I know this because, like a lot of guys, I have failed, making me the chump more than once.
I’ll admit I’m not the most emotional guy around. My frosty Swedish heritage causes me to be a little on the cool side.
Here’s a joke: Did you hear about the Swede that loved his wife so much he almost told her?
That pretty much summarizes how some of us cold-blooded Scandinavians feel.
Because of this certain coldness over the years I have sought advice from friends, relatives and perfect strangers seeking help on Valentine’s Day.
I am putting myself on the line here so other guys won’t make the same mistakes I did. So herewith I offer my Guy’s Guide for What Not to Do for Valentine’s Day.
Some folks see Valentine’s Day as a money thing. I had a friend once who claimed that the key to all happiness was buying your wife a necklace.
“Yeah, the more you spend, the happier she’ll be,” he advised. Wrong. Wives posses a special radar that can detect whether a card or gift is heartfelt. No matter how much you spend, if your heart’s not in it, you’re sunk.
With that in mind, here is Rule No. 1: Do not listen to friends when it comes to picking out cards or presents for your wife (or husband). Pick out something that’s unique and has a special meaning. Whether it costs a few dollars or a few thousand dollars isn’t as important as letting her know how you feel about her.
Rule No. 2: No two wives are the same. Ditto for husbands. Just because one person likes necklaces doesn’t mean all people like necklaces. I personally don’t look good in a necklace and wouldn’t wear one if you paid me.
Unless, of course, it matched my purse.
Rule No. 3: Don’t buy clothing. Most people have a definite opinion about the clothes they like. Usually, it’s not the same as their spouse’s. Plus, I have the worst taste in clothes ever. On a good day, I look like a 200-pound pile of laundry, so who am I to tell anyone else how to dress?
Rule No. 4: Don’t stop at the video store on your way out for a date or any other important occasion. Once I asked my wife if we had a couple of minutes so I could drop off a video and avoid a late fee. Amazingly, she said, “No.”
Actually, we were on the way to the hospital. The baby was born a half an hour later.
Rule No. 5: Just say it. I know my Swedishness gets in the way, but it’s always best to just blurt out exactly how you feel.
Something like this: “Patti, I love you with all of my heart. The day I met you was the best day of my life. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”
How’s that for a Valentine’s Day present? Hope you like it, sweetheart.
