A Grin at the End: Duck-duck-boom – Ideas to solve the world’s problems

May 2021 Posted in Columnists & Opinion

It’s been a busy year for the researchers here at Sampson Laboratories (motto: You can never do too much useless stuff).

One of our intrepid scientists is coming up with an easier way to make carbon fiber parts for airplanes. I’m not really sure how it was supposed to work but I think it involves using Bungee cords to tie 40 microwave ovens to the plane’s wing and using the “defrost” mode.

As Elon Musk says, “Every time we blow something up we learn something.” That being the case, we’re learning lots of stuff.

My latest initiative – that’s researcher talk – is developing a device that will immediately put out forest fires. After last year, boy howdy, do we need something like that. Sending bunches of people into the forest with shovels just isn’t getting it done.

That’s where the Water Bomb comes into play. I can’t go into details because the patent hasn’t yet been granted, but it involves a weather balloon, a helicopter and a
stick of dynamite. I’m looking forward to testing it this summer – and so are the neighbors.

Like every other researcher worth his – or her – pocket protector, we’ve been up to our beakers in COVID-19. While Big Pharma has hogged the spotlight with their

so-called vaccines, we at Sampson Laboratories were developing a cure for it. Instead of using a bunch of drugs and stuff, we decided to go the metaphysical route.

It involved closing our eyes really tight and wishing COVID would go away. I personally tried it, because
so many politicians were trying the same thing. It didn’t work, but no matter. I should have known that politics and science don’t mix.

Other COVID-related experiments were much more successful. Most people don’t like masks, right? What if I could invent a mask that was actually useful – beyond keeping viruses out, I mean.

With the right design, those pesky masks could be used for all sorts of things. For one, if you’re in a meeting that gets to be even more boring than usual, you could liven

things up with a duck call built into your mask.

This would be especially good for trips to quiet places like the library. In a room with dozens of people wearing masks, finding the one with the duck call would be all but impossible.

But there’s an even more utilitarian use for masks. I present the patent-pending Snacker-Mask. Inside it is
a dispenser for M&Ms. That way, when I’m in some interminable meeting – I go to a lot of meetings – all I have to do is tap the side of my Snacker-Mask and an M&M will shoot into my mouth. The deluxe model not only dispenses M&Ms but peanut butter and jelly.

If a candy company were on the ball, it would sell masks pre-loaded with candy, chips or even miniature cupcakes. What could be more American than promoting public health and junk food at the same time?

Then there’s the mask that we here at Sampson Laboratories call The Ultimate. With minor modifications your mask will dispense a bacon cheeseburger, but that mechanism is yet to be perfected. The dill pickle and beer dispenser are proving to be a challenge.

Carl Sampson is a freelance writer and editor. He lives in Stayton.

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