By Melissa Wagoner
If you want to buy a Christmas tree from a tree lot they’re going to accept only cash or a check.
If you don’t have cash and haven’t carried checks since the turn of the century, you will decide to visit a nearby grocery store to buy eggnog (which the kids requested) and then you will get cash back.
If you visit the store for eggnog, you will happen to see a roasting pan (which you need for Christmas dinner) which will remind you to pick up some kitchen cleaner.
On the way to get the cleaner, your daughter will remind you that you are not on a shopping excursion and are supposed to be buying a tree.
If you approach the register with your items you will realize, cash back is only offered in much smaller increments than you need. But, undeterred, you will make the purchase anyway (sans the teddy bear your daughter is ogling) and leave.
If you return to the tree lot without the cash, your spouse will agree to visit the equally nearby liquor store for brandy (which you need to raise your now dipping Christmas spirit… I mean, a holiday recipe).
Once at the store, he will remember he actually likes Baileys and grab a bottle of that as well.
If he approaches the register with his purchases they will inform him that, though he is by no means the first customer seeking money to purchase a Christmas tree (and probably won’t be the last) they do not offer cash back.
If he asks the clerk if she can help him, she will offer him some sage advice – there is an ATM in the front of the grocery store.
Which is why… if he goes back to the original grocery store he’ll finally be able to procure that cash.
And if the ATM gives him some cash, you’ll also finally purchase the tree.
Then, if you finally purchase the tree, you’ll probably also want to drink eggnog (and brandy, or Baileys if you don’t like eggnog) while you decorate it.
And if you decorate the tree, that probably means it’s Christmas and you’ll have to roast the turkey, which means you’ll finally use that pan.
But if you finally use the pan, your kitchen might also get dirty and you’ll have to use the cleaner.
Then if you use the cleaner you’ll have to go back to the store.
And if you have to go to the store then maybe you’ll see that bear your daughter wanted.
And if you see the bear, then maybe you’ll have to buy it as a present.
And if you buy it as a present, you’ll have to put it under a tree…
