By Melissa Wagoner
After Melissa Farmer’s fourth daughter was born and her family was nearing completion, her thoughts turned to something she had been contemplating for some time – surrogacy.
“I have wonderful pregnancies,” she said of the impetus for the idea. “And I get pregnant easily.”
She is also aware that not everyone does.
“There are so many people who don’t,” she confirmed. “And gifting is my love language. It’s a very cool thing to be able to do.”
That’s how, five years ago, she became pregnant with her first surrogate baby after her very first attempt at in vitro, despite the odds being only 60 percent in her favor.
“I’m what’s known as a unicorn,” Farmer, who is currently on her third and final surrogate pregnancy, laughed. “I’ve had every transfer take.”
In fact, the entire surrogacy process, from start to finish, has been relatively easy for Farmer, who is now looking for a way to continue giving back to those facing infertility – only in a new way.
“The goal is to guide and support surrogates throughout the entire journey, from learning if it’s right for them, to resources, to postpartum,” Farmer said of her new venture, which she coined Silver Falls Surrogacy. “And also, to help intended parents.”
Because surrogacy is complicated.
“There are very large contracts,” Farmer pointed out. “Because there’s a lot to consider and the legal ramifications are huge. Even when it’s a friend or family member it’s important to make sure you’re following all the steps.”
In most cases surrogates and intended parents are matched by a surrogacy agency through a process not unlike organ donation. Potential surrogates initially undergo psychological tests, background checks and a series of health examinations.
“There are so many considerations,” Farmer said. “Lifestyle, medical, family support – you may not even realize why you don’t qualify. One of the big ones is not being on financial assistance.”
But even after a surrogate is approved, it can still take up to 18 months to find a match.
“You all have to agree on a lot of the same points,” Farmer explained. “They try to find a match based on preferences and personality. And you get to decide. They outline every little thing.”
For example, one of the couples Farmer carried for requested she abstain from eating beef or pork in observance of their family’s heritage. While another asked that she be willing to pump breastmilk for a period of time directly following the birth. While Farmer viewed both as reasonable requests, another surrogate may not have agreed. Which is why the initial contract is crucial.
“Communication can be hard,” Farmer acknowledged. “But I love supporting [surrogates] through it all.”
In fact, even before officially opening Silver Falls Surrogacy, Farmer had already aided 25 women in navigating their own surrogacies.
“I don’t think people know, what are their choices?” she said. “And I don’t think a lot of surrogates get support postpartum.”
It’s an issue Farmer is hoping to remedy as a consultant, providing surrogates with referrals to vetted professionals; as an advocate, acting as an intermediary between the surrogate and service providers; or as a full-service case manager, coordinating all of the necessary procedures before and during and after the pregnancy as well as offering postpartum care.
“I’ve done years of research,” Farmer said of the qualifications that make her suited to her new role. “And I would love to have a chat with surrogates or families.”
For more information visit www.silverfallssurrogacy.com.
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Surrogacy myths debunked by experience
By Melissa Farmer, Director of Silver Falls Surrogacy
Myth: You don’t need a contract to be a surrogate for a friend or family member.
“Even if it’s a friend or family member you need to make sure you’re following all the steps.”
Myth: It’s hard to give up the baby.
“It’s not giving up my baby. This is 100 percent their baby. I’m excited to give them their baby.
It truly is extreme babysitting.”
Myth: Surrogacy is more expensive than adoption.
“Adoption and surrogacy cost about the same.”
Myth: Surrogates are in it for the money.
“When taken into consideration – the time, the gravity of the situation and the toll it takes – the compensation is not enough. Most surrogates do it because they love being pregnant and they love helping people.”
Myth: The surrogate might decide to keep the baby.
“That’s a weird story people have latched onto.”
Myth: Intended moms are women who don’t want to carry their own baby.
“Most of the time it’s infertility or maybe they went through cancer… there are so many reasons.”
Myth: Surrogates only want the money and don’t take care of the baby.
“Those aren’t real stories… You need to trust your surrogate.”
Myth: Once the baby is born the surrogates never hear from the family again.
“I do occasionally have contact with them and love getting pictures and updates from them.”
